As I look with waning curiosity upon the heavily-collaged walls of the same room I’ve taken refuge in for the past twelve years of my life, it begins to dawn on me—somewhat shamefully—that it has been a very long time since I last embarked on the journey of finding myself. And where did that first road lead to, you may ask?
Pain. Obsession. Loss. Addiction. Tremendous heartache, then the shocking realization that perhaps I was never who I once thought myself to be. Any semblance of my prior self that survived was then ultimately wrapped within the confines of an iron maiden. I encaged my heart in a wall of steel so thick that no one could ever touch it again.
Now that it seems the spikes have twisted inward, I find that I have more in relation to the shell itself than to the human I once was. For I extend compassion, but only at a distance. I wish not to relate to people not because I am stubborn or because I believe myself to be higher, but rather to spare them the madness of what I have become. Tragic, and yet I learned to find comfort in this because in the same fashion, it also spares me the embarrassment.
I have health issues that have driven me to the point of obsession. I count the time, worry, fall into all manner of panic and anxiety, use it as an excuse for why I do not spend time with those I love most. The stress causes my heart to pound, and before I know it, I feel dizzy. Light-headed. Insane. Like I am about to lose my life. And how merciful that might be…
During my life online, I have developed certain addictions, habits, and attractions that I no longer wish to cultivate and that I am certainly not proud of. One can very easily lose themselves to the incessant drive and desire to constantly check up on things and other people, to always be staring mindless and aloof at some sort of screen.
As a result, goals and intentions go unaccomplished. The search for Self no longer matters, because many are content to become drones. Be it the bass-heavy music which alters our cardiac rhythms and sets off potentially harmful reactions in our bodies, the vapid mindlessness of reality TV that is not even close to real, to the ignorance of important issues that go unnoticed in the real world by our most trusted news organizations…man is crying out for something. We have just forgotten what that something is.
And I am tired of porn. I am tired of my own sexuality, the unhealthy attractions, philosophies that justify criminal behavior, people who argue just for the sake of arguing. I am tired of the memes, I am tired of the pointlessness, tired of seeing so many things go undone.
It has been my intention for some time now to educate myself in the same manner I would if I were going to a four-year college. For once in my life now, I desire to learn. To expand. To learn new languages and the customs of cultures unseen, to rise beyond my mental, emotional, and physical inhibitions. To love again, to finally heal myself and renew my mind.
I owe it to myself and so do you. Break the habit NOW, use your willpower. If you truly want to change, you will.
So many people believe they are comfortable. I have fooled myself into it for far too long. When you finally come to the sad realization that you are not the person you thought you were, when you at last see what is happening?
It’s time to leave the net and go forth to find yourself.
I don’t imagine I could leave forever, of course. The start to my desired career in writing is here. But I do have novels, prose, and poetry to pen. I have health issues both mental and physical to overcome. I have things to learn, places to go, people to meet.
And so, to that end, I am going to take a Sabbatical. Probably not from work, but just from the internet. For me anyway, it has become too close of a friend—and too frequently an enemy—of what I wish to accomplish in my life.
You may not hear from me for a while, but I will return when I believe the time is right. As for now, there are simply too many things I want to do, and I cannot do them here.
To all of you, I wish the best of luck. Please do stay! I have so adored your art, your poetry, and your lines of imagery that capture my heart.
I promise to return soon.