Poisoned Rationality

Poet. Novelist. Dreamer. Electronic musician. Cinephile. Peacemaker. Human Rights activist. Future hero.

Seek truth, Uncage your heart, and live in the moment.

- Peter von Harten

One of the vampires in a horror story I’m working on (actually a rewrite of a novel I previously released called “The Orphaned Ones”) has a combined personality of Peter Pan from ‘Once Upon A Time’ and Elijah from ‘The Originals’. Cold, calculating, and sometimes purposefully ignorant and subverting of his superior’s rage, but he’s a mentor character and the only elder of the group who actually cares somewhat about the human children under his watch (it’s a bit of an Oliver Twist scenario where vampires have enslaved orphan children to aid in the search for an important artifact whilst the vampires themselves remain hidden from a group who aims to destroy them). If this is ever a movie, I’ll demand that Robbie Kay gets the role lol.

Here’s an excerpt:

“You could have given us another day!” I argued. “We were right there, we had a wallet full of money and you took that from us!”

“The twins took that from you, I assure you I had no part in it. But you had a little taste of the outside world, didn’t you? Was it everything you hoped for? Running for your life, stealing from unsuspecting folk, not knowing if your little plan would work out? Face it boy, you would not have survived past the end of the week. I’ve seen your type before, there’s more than enough of you buggers down here with the same sad story.”

“Shut up!”

“Oh, but you enjoyed the feeling. That desperation. That thrill of the hunt without limits. But I implore you to look around, Nigel. Come here, and take a look.” He drew back the curtain to observe the sanctuary. “Droves of children laughing, enjoying their lives. Not an adult in sight to do them harm for petty little things like getting fights or stealing. We advocate it! This is our lifeblood. We go up to the surface to take what we need and return safely to the shadows. Myself and the other elders, we are leaders. Everything we do up there is controlled, so you need not worry about the police or being left behind. And when you come home here, you truly do come home. You are welcomed, not reprimanded. You can be yourself, whether that’s the quiet girl in the corner over there with the doll or the loud, boisterous boy counting his money across the way. Or the twins getting in spats with each other. It doesn’t matter! That feeling of freedom can be yours, Nigel. All we ask in return is your loyalty and commitment to our cause.”
 

Perception & Striving For Eternity.

I’ve been thinking a lot tonight about my perception of things, and I’m slowly coming to find conflict in what I’ve previously perceived as balance. This in regards to both myself and in everyone else. Everything is just…fleeting. Everyone just wants one night, one minute, one SECOND. We dream of better lives only to drown them in our usual habits, and nothing changes. “Just give me the distraction and I’ll be fine.” Well I’m tired of just being “fine” and letting my addictions get the best of me. It’s like we’re all living a giant distraction, haven’t you noticed?

Religion condemns vices for a reason, and lately I’ve been feeling that reason. It takes away from your potential, it really is stealing from yourself. Just one second. Just one moment. Just one night. But what about the rest of your life? Isn’t that more worth living? If you’re more focused on drowning your sorrows like I have been for the past several years, you’ll never live in the moment or move past certain points in your head. We are linear creatures. We’re meant to move on, keep changing, keep evolving.

I’ve created this atmosphere where I’m just “comfortable” and now I’m sick of it because I’m starting to see how other people do the same thing. I’m so confused lately because I keep moving further and further away from sexuality and now I’m starting to see why. Because it’s always just been “one night”. I’m living in the realm of “one night” and all the hopes and expectations that might come with it, and they’re never fulfilled because “one night” is all I’m aiming for.

I was surfing through channels on TV earlier today, and I curiously stopped on an old recording of a nun, which I’d normally switch past. But she seemed like the sweetest lady, and she was telling this story about traveling on a train through Iowa and how fast the fields of grain seemed to fly by, and she related that to life. It’s seemingly gone in an instant, and then she read some scripture on how the spirit of God LIVES IN YOU, and YOU ARE NOT YOUR OWN. That made me think of my favorite film in the entire world, Cloud Atlas, which states “Our lives are not our own. We are bound by others, past, present, and future.”

For me, that realization is not so much about God as much as the all-encompassing SPIRIT OF LIFE ITSELF. This spirit transcends all space and time, and we are a part of that, we are LIVING extensions of that, constantly existing and evolving from moment to moment, lifetime to lifetime. And you can fool yourself for a while, you can engage in all manner of vices in a vain effort to convince yourself you’re comfortable, to only live for just that one moment, or that one event you’re so convinced will be epic and astounding. But the true joy is ALWAYS in the journey, in the getting there. The doing will always happen, and you may get what you wished for. But it will never feel as good as the anticipation, especially when the event is over. The vacations, the excursions, the sports games, the movies, the sex, the highs, all of it. 

For me, it’s always going to the club every week, getting drunk, hope to meet someone nice, go back to their place, mess around. But I always wake up feeling like shit regardless of whether that’s happened or not. So if it feels like shit, why have I kept doing it week after week like that for years?

Honestly, alcohol bores me, and it has for a long time now because I don’t feel that sense of drunken inhibition anymore. I just feel in a slightly altered state, but I don’t socialize anymore, so it does nothing to shift my personality out of the funk I’m already in. I still feel just as inhibited and socially awkward as always, so why do I continue? Same with pornography, which I’ve been more or less addicted to for a long time. It doesn’t make me feel better, and it doesn’t do for me what it used to. Same with sexual experiences with people…I find that I frequently don’t want to be touched anymore by anyone.

So why is this?

Honestly, I think I’ve just been selling myself short for far too long. I’ve gotten addicted to too many things, fooled myself for years. YEARS! As in nearly an entire decade! I haven’t known what I want, I never bothered to chase it because my dreams always seem too far away, unachievable, or there are just other things I’d rather be doing with my time, or I’m just living for the night or moment or whatever I’m anticipating what could hold a little fleeting feeling of happiness or pleasure.

So fuck the moments, honestly. I want to do better things, to strive for better things, to live in the moment instead of dying in it or letting one moment or experience dictate how I’ll feel about all future ones, and to stop distracting myself with petty addictions that are bad for me or that hold no purpose or reason other than to dampen the emotions I’m not facing. 

The way I see it, if you’re going to live a dream, you should live it FULLY and not succumb to an endless cycle in which you’ll never truly achieve it because of self-limiting beliefs and excuses. As that Reverend Mother said on TV, time flies and it’s all over before you know it, and with the Spirit being in you, you have a responsibility. You owe it to yourself and those you may later effect to live as much as you can in the moment—not FOR it, but IN it—so that you can contribute to the evolutionary process of all living things, especially yourself.

It reminds me of the questioning entity in the first episode of Star Trek: DS9 which I recently watched, in which they question why Benjamin Sisko’s thoughts keep drifting back to his wife dying on his old ship. “Why do you exist here?” they ask, after he’s explained the linear existence of human beings. “This is NOT linear,” they remind him. And so it is with us. We constantly live in these memories and moments, always fearing them as they surface, attempting to mask the bad things through all manner of vices.

So before you take a sip from that bottle or slide a fresh cigarette out of the pack to light up, consider why you’re doing it. Are you living in the moment, or for it? How long were you able to wait, and what crossed your mind as you did? These are important questions to ask yourself, as they can reveal quite a lot about your character. They say dreams often tell us which things we need to deal with, and it’s no different with addictions. What can’t you deal with? Because in all likelihood, if you waited long enough and talked it out with someone, I’m pretty sure you COULD deal with it, you just don’t WANT to.

It’s just no way to live, and because of this reason, I’m going to be working to cut all vices out of my life for a good while. I just need to take a breath, to understand myself, what I need to deal with. There’s a lot I want to experience in the world and a lot I want to do, a lot of people I want to help. And I can’t do that so long as I live for fleeting moments.

  

Check out my music! =)

Zoatrobe - “We Fight On”

My View On The “Slut-Shaming” Debate.

I just want to preface this first by saying that I’m a gay man, and I apologize if I don’t fully understand. But in the case I do happen to say something wrong in this post that warrants attack, at least you’ll know that I am in no way coming from a place of objectifying the opposite gender, being that I’d rather objectify my own =p

So here goes. I really do not understand this whole wave of anti-slut-shaming or where it came from, but it seems so many people on Tumblr and Facebook want to rise up and voice their opinions on it. And that’s a wonderful thing, because I love debating and learning about new things. What I don’t like about it is the vibe I’m getting that seems to say “why should I be responsible for my clothing choices?” No one says this in so many words, but that’s just how some people make it sound.

How you dress is definitely NOT an excuse for someone to sexually assault you….BUT…is it not smart to at least be conscientious and aware that the way you choose to dress might cause others to view you in a certain way? After all, when you dress for work, you’re representing the company, but when you dress for yourself, you’re representing you. And male or female, if you dress a certain way, people can and will form opinions about you. It’s not really something you can get over, because as humans, that’s just how we’re wired. If I went to a job interview for example dressed like a bum, I wouldn’t say “stop bum-shaming me!” if they didn’t hire me, because obviously I’m trying to make a particular impression. It may just be me, but that’s how I view myself every time I go out in public, not just for job interviews. I’m making an impression of who I am, whether I dress fashionably or not. And I wish more people thought that way, honestly.

Let me give you another example of what I’m trying to get at. Say there’s a teenage girl who wants to go out of the house in an ultra-high miniskirt and a shirt that shows off cleavage, but her parents refuse to let her go to school like that because they’re concerned she’ll be treated badly and be objectified. Does that mean that they’re slut-shaming her? Of course not. It just means they want her to make her best impression and avoid unwanted attention.

Look at the open letter Sinead O’Connor wrote to Miley Cyrus after her infamous VMA performance. Was Sinead slut-shaming her?

No, she was just looking out for her. Believe it or not, some people did grow up in a world where modesty and self-respect was valued, both for women AND for men. And honestly, I just think it’s a little ridiculous how far some people are willing to take this debate. Not everyone is out to slut-shame you, they’re just looking out for your well-being, and it’s not right to attack everyone for making suggestions.

::cue sarcasm:: And let’s not forget, before you go screaming “STOP SLUT-SHAMING ME!”…. is it not more or less MEN who came up with most of your beauty standards? Why shave your bodies? Who told you that was feminine behavior? Why dress in revealing outfits? Why wear makeup? Is it not MEN who probably wanted you to? Therefore in conclusion, wearing revealing outfits is indirectly causing you to be objectified and dominated by a male mentality, so your liberation is pretty much damned! ::end sarcasm::

Sorry, I’m simply posing questions that to me sound just as ridiculously extreme as the place a lot of proponents of this view are taking this.

I personally don’t give a rat’s ass how you dress, I’m just trying to understand lol. I have girlfriends who dress sexy and friends who don’t shave their legs very often, and all of them look fabulous. If I had my choice, everyone would objectify and slut-shame men, they’d have a huge cry over it, and I’d invite them back to my place for some hot lovin’ =p All kidding aside though…

My belief is that if you truly value yourself for who you are, you should dress in a way that reflects that, whether that means dressing modestly or dressing in revealing clothes.

Now not a lot of people will understand this, but here’s the catch:

Some girls dress provocatively because they are misguided by our male-dominated society and don’t know how else to seek attention, while others dress provocatively because they have a rockin’ personality and the outfit brings that out and accentuates their self-confidence. For the former, it’s a sad mask for their lack of self-confidence and self-respect, and we should not slut-shame individuals in either camp, but instead work to educate them and help them build confidence in themselves. 

How you choose to use that tidbit is up to you. That’s how I see this argument though. Slut-shaming by anyone is stupid, and so is victim-blaming. We should all be able to wear what we want without judgment, ridicule, or unwanted physical contact. Unfortunately, that’s not how the rest of the world sees it.

In closing, you DO have a responsibility for how you dress, but NOT how people treat you for it. That’s their own problem. BUT…make sure that you have a good reason and understand WHY you are dressing the way you are. If it’s just for attention, put something else on, because you shouldn’t care what other people think, you should be who you want to be and dress in a way that reflects that. Make your best impression FOR YOU.

POKEMON IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.

The Meaning of “Faggot”

sueishappy:

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(Source: izmia, via he-wants-the-bundick)

5 Things I Learned From Being A Gay Pastor’s Kid.

Now before you start clawing your own eyes out at the title of this article—to give them to me, because I’m a demon, and red-headed stepchildren like myself require such a steep price to pay the devil to relinquish our hell-forged souls—I can explain. I swear!

Read More

“Rape the gay away” pastor won’t serve time

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!! SERIOUSLY?! WTF!!

mer-de:

Yufu-dake evening daisies, Japan

mer-de:

Yufu-dake evening daisies, Japan

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